


Just a touch

by Kyzy



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Other, Parental - Freeform, kayn being a stupid sick baby, oc there for exposition reasons and nothing else, to be honest he kinda is LMAO, zed feeling like hes a bad dad alert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21912997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kyzy/pseuds/Kyzy
Summary: Kayn's sickness goes unnoticed by Zed until it's severe. Zed knows it's his fault.They share an awkward touch that threatens to change their relationship for the foreseeable future.“Master… am I allowed to… speak freely?”“...Yes.”“How ‘come I have to get sick... for you to outwardly show that you care?”
Relationships: Shieda Kayn & Zed
Comments: 3
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi hi  
> (dumps early stage pneumonia onto kayn)  
> i dont ship zed x kayn!! this is entirely parental.  
> Also i love writing awkwardness.
> 
> this will /not/ be a oneshot.  
> if you like, kudos and likes are really appreciated! 
> 
> i just wanted to explore the twos relationship more seeing as the comic is revealing... things.  
> enjoy!

Zed had not noticed any kind of buildup to the current events.

Whenever there was sparring to be done, everyone was accounted for as they often did a role-call before hand. At dinner, though he never joined them, he would subconsciously count the heads at the table to make sure there was always a consistent number. Sometimes he pondered whether his own lack of instinct or insight was a personal flaw of sorts, brought about by the hectic nature of his character-- there was always something to do or _lament_ or pursue-- but on this occasion the leader chalked it down to sheer stupidity. 

If his favorite pupil was sick, of _course_ he wouldn’t tell him. 

“You-- you!” 

Into Zed’s arms was shoved a blanket slick and heavy with sweat as he approached the door to the physician’s chamber, eyes flying wide open. Tulu, a steady woman who had an unnatural gift for weeding out sickness before it took root in the body, as gazing up at him with a fire in her eyes and a deep frown upon her lips. The two had been through much together, and her abrasive yet demanding personality meant that the Master never scolded her for teaching him akin to one of her ‘friends’... especially when she was so often right.

“How didn’t you know!?”

“I…” Zed tore his gaze away, looking as sheepish as one that had little to show for emotions usually could. “I have been distracted--”

_... I haven’t… been paying attention._

“ _Distracted_! What sort of master cannot care for his students? It’s bad--” 

“It’s not... that bad at _al-l-l_ \--” 

The sound of a wet and wheezing cough cut the protesting patient off, his voice thick with a sort of soreness that could be felt simply through listening to it. Zed’s dead panned expression thinned, a sort of bitter disappointment occupying the space instead as Tulu breezed past him with her jaw fixed in a scowl.

“Keep him there. I’ll be back, _you_ tell him to stay seeing as he doesn't want to listen to me-- by Her blessings, you are both the _same!_ ”

She did not need to deliberate upon that, both men knew what she meant-- stubborn and reluctant to fold in the face of any sickness or injury, ever-eager to leap out of bed and take on the unknown regardless of the cost. Zed knew his teachings had bred that tenacity in Kayn, just as it had been a scolding point for Shen towards him when he was younger… there was nothing weak about giving in every now and then to the natural adversities life threw at you; but Kayn did not know that and his master vehemently denied it when it applied to himself yet wished it strongly upon others.

They were both, as Tulu would aptly describe them as, ‘fools’.

“Get back in bed, Kayn. That is an order.”

The yellow-eyed ninja had swept into the room calmly with the terribly wet blanket still in his arms, no doubt given to him as proof of his neglect-- it was dumped unceremoniously in the corner so that he could address his closest pupil with a troubling expression brewing like a storm upon his face the moment he caught sight of that bedraggled form. ‘Bad’ was a word that could be attached to a rift in the skin, the beginnings of a bruise or a situation that had long since passed the ‘not good’ thresh-hold, but with deep shame washing over him, Zed thought the word ‘Awful’ was more appropriate. 

Kayn looked… _awful._

The usual long, windswept hair of his feral apprentice was haphazard and pillow-tussled, sticking awkwardly to a face that was red from both embarrassment and illness. Though his expression was immediately one of defiance there was no hiding the paleness of the rest of his body, the way every movement seemed just a tad too delayed, the way glistening beads of sweat lined every hard line that occupied him as if he had been out running but moments before. His breathing was the same, for no matter how ‘calm’ and ‘controlled’ he tried to make himself seem, slow breaths would not hide the sickly, loud rattling in his chest that filled the space between them. Both eyes, blue and red, were watery and bleary and unfocused, cupped by eyelids that could barely stay open-- even the effort to try and get _out_ of bed seemed to have left him rocking ever so slowly in place. Without moving much, the younger of the two gave in by simply laying down with a _fwump_ against the soft covers with his legs still hanging over the edge.

“No… it isn’t…” The grumbled protest rose up from the panting male, still eager to disprove the medics words that it wasn’t looking too good. He would attempt to get himself up once again, only to be pushed down by three fingers in an effortless manner.

“You did not tell me you were sick.” 

Kayn refused to meet his eyes. The white haired male could tell there was something lingering on his tongue, a bite-back, a retort… but it never comes to fruition. Instead, the younger ones voice came out a little squeakier than expected, breathless and cracking.

“It isn’t _anythin’_ , I,--” And the apprentice ended up crumpling upon the spot as he felt the need to cough well up once again, stopping himself from speaking lest another episode decide to rear its ugly head.

What the master was _really_ reminded of was not mortality or weakness or anything of the sort. Instead, he was refreshed upon the fact that Kayn was Kayn, and Kayn was only nineteen years old despite how well he acted in the field. Already a master of his own weapon and tirelessly working at his side, the leader of the Shadow order often forgot that this man was barely an adult and could sometimes be predisposed to childishness, despite the fact that he was the one who _raised_ him to be as such. The deprivation of the usual wonders of youth had been taken away from him, instead replaced by the blood-hunt, the harsh and bitter world and the instinct to survive instead of live… and it was all his fault that now maturity (or, common sense) sometimes fled the shadow assassin. 

Hiding weakness was a defence tactic of the strong to make the weak believe they were invulnerable. They all knew that, they _used_ that to their advantage almost constantly-- but it was not infallible. The anger that the ninja felt towards that phrase and _himself_ began to gain on him, emotion welling up within him like the pressure in a kettle building--

“You can barely breathe and you chose to hide it from me?”

_And you didn’t notice?!_

“M-Master…” Kayn groaned with a fist weakly balling at his forehead, displaying a great want to _not_ be lectured in that given moment.

“You aren’t good to anyone like this, Kayn. If we could have caught it faster… it may not have resulted in _this._ ”

_... And now I feel like I am being too harsh._

“What I _mean_ is,” Meager desperation shone in Zed’s voice as he bore holes into the ground with the vibrance of his gaze, “It’s better for your sake if you don’t hide things like this, not from me, not from Tulu. We are here to help… we’d never scold you for something like this.”

_And it is my fault you are too afraid to say anything in the first place._

“...”

The leader was standing there for quite a while awaiting a response from his apprentice, but it never actually came. The sound of wheezing filling his ears much more harshly now and the complete limpness and unmoving nature of the usually fidgeting male told him that at some point during all of that Kayn had drifted off to some place beyond consciousness, to where his masters attempt at softening his words could not reach him. It left said master standing there in rigid silence for a few seconds, idly thinking back to the days where Shen would hit him over the head with a damp cloth for getting sick-- he wouldn’t dare attempt to be so silly, not now. 

Not when… 

“Ah, Kayn?”

Suddenly the leader was aware that his pupil had either a, been so tired that he fell asleep, or b, straight up passed out and _that_ was the cause of the explosion of anxiety in his chest as he charged the entire two foot distance to the bedside again with the desire to grab his apprentice by the shoulders and shake him awake violently. His healing experience was limited to those that had broken limbs or tissue damage, and though he realized being close to the other could cause him to contract the very same illness he was very much reluctant to leave the bedside now. As weary as a watchdog, Zed quite carefully sat to the younger man’s side with his brow crumpled beneath his fringe.

For the most part, the master was simply watching. Watching to make sure that the arcs of the others ribs did not stop their fast rhythm of rising and falling with a terrible bubbling attached to every inhale and exhale. If he was a more affectionate person, a man more fluent in giving others comfort, Zed would stretch out his fingers to lightly brush Kayn’s bangs from his face with a tenderness reserved only for those as close as he-- but something was stopping him from showing this… this child affection. Something always had. 

_Why is touching him… so hard?_

Even when he was skittering about his feet as a boy of ten, something long before him had taken out all of the mans emotion and burned it to death. It was Shen, it was Kusho, it was the bastard known as Jhin. His ability to love had been amputated from his heart and his gentle emotions had ran away into the night, hand in hand with his humanity. But something about this worry of his was etched with a sort of sombre concern that was not forced by his admittance of guilt and was not forged to protect Kayn’s feelings (for he knew his pupil had many). Zed himself was rather surprised to know that he could still feel as if his hands were not the blades he wielded in battle.

The master would proceed awkwardly, as he often did with anything concerning emotion. First, a slow, cautious press against the others chest in what could absolutely be described as a poke. Nothing. He would do the same against the part consumed by the Darkin, gleaming silver and forever a deep, terrible red at its roots. Nothing again.

“Kayn?” 

He called, but absolutely no part of the other male responded. His hand came back to him as if he had been struck by a serpent, so afraid of getting caught by Tulu or his pupil alone that there (almost sadly) was some kind of rush to it all; and it prompted him to try again.

“… Kayn, wake up.” 

If it wasn’t for the fact that he knew his apprentice would rather _die_ then get caught collapsed in a bed, mouth open and tongue almost falling out of his mouth then he would have crudely commented that maybe the younger male was pretending in a bid to get his affection (as Kayn sometimes did). There was one way to always tell the non-sleeping from the slumbering, and it was the speed of their heart beat that betrayed the subjects consciousness (or unconsciousness) when counting breaths failed. Though dead to the world, Kayn’s heart was racing in his chest as if they were currently mid-spar session-- it made Zed’s own pulse begin to quicken, as if the idea of even having it beat against the worn skin of his palm would cause it to stop. 

Instead, flustered with foreign emotion, that hand quickly rose to come down upon the sick mans head so that he could shoo away his apprentices balled fist that had been left there from his earlier chatterings and to tidy his fringe ever so _carefully._ The warm puffs of air that came fast against his wrist only distracted him a little from the intense feelings of incompetence that were crashing into him-- did he put a blanket over him, or was he too hot? Did he run around the monastery howling for Tulu to return before his pupil died? How had Kayn _never_ been sick before this to prepare him for such an occasion?!

And then suddenly, Zed jumped from the bed so fast he almost literally fled the scene.

Ah, his fingers had been touched back, just the tips grazed by another pair. Round, lemon colored eyes immediately flew to Kayn’s face with a startled expression, and looking back at him was something so incredibly _bamboozled_ that, if he were any normal person, he would have to fight back a noise of exclamation. One eye half open, the other eye _sort-of_ open, his apprentice was staring at him with so much whimsical confusion in his eyes that at first Zed was about to immediately bark at him that _no,_ he wasn’t _touching_ him. 

“I--”

“Mnn…. ww… where…”

All tension fled the master when he realized Kayn was still so out of it he didn’t know where in Runeterra he even was.

“I am guarding you till Tulu returns. How do you feel?”

 _I have to feel useful somehow._  


“Dzzz… s… keep shleepin’...” It was a mumble, barely audible. Out of nowhere, the leader of the Shadow order gathered all his courage into one, reached out to where Kayn was staring blank-faced at the ceiling and placed the palm of his hand against the others head in a sweet little pet that caused his apprentices bangs to fall back in his eyes. It was a quick affair, as stiff as it was heavy-handed, once, twice, three times. The weights that had been upon his chest almost immediately lifted-- but it was not the final hurdle. The final hurdle was making sure Kayn did not say anything smart-assed that would ruin the tenderness of Zed’s attempts to be comforting. 

“....” And now said sharp-talker was staring at him with his red-blue gaze narrowed, pupils just about fixed upon his with his brows turned downwards. 

_What are you… thinking? Feeling?_

The older of the two hadn’t said a _single thing_ comforting to break the _extremely_ awkward silence now between them, for it had been stranger for both of them that he go for the pat in devastating muteness. 

Zed watched those eyelids grow heavy before his very eyes.

“…” Kayn exhaled a loud sort of sigh, one that shifted the wisps of his long hair in a manner that made them curl against his head. Zed hadn’t taken a single breath. He was waiting for it, waiting for the quip, for the just-about-hinged backtalk, hands curled at his front and held entirely away from the others body.

“...”

“... Kayn?” 

Once again, Kayn looked like someone had knocked him out with a hammer and left his unconscious body dumped upon the bed. 

Someone above had saved him from any more awkwardness.

… But the emotion lingered on.

When Tulu barged into the room a few minutes later, she found her patient now horizontal in bed, placed there by the man who was standing coolly to the side of the room with half-lidded eyes and absolutely no emotion on his face-- despite how he felt within. In her hands were what looked to be something plucked from their gardens in a jar and the familiar wet-cloth from his memories.

“You’re so lucky we were growing _heswarn_ for the winter in case anyone came back like this. Who would have thought it would have been the one that walks around shirtless in the cold?” The older woman snapped at the half-dead man that had suddenly jolted awake at the sound of the door being slammed open. No words fell from his lips, just a grunt to signal that he had heard her to some extent, even if the words had entered his brain as nothing but static. Zed was waiting for her to round upon him, to shoo him out so that she could get on with her work, but to his surprise she did no such thing; perhaps telling the master of their organization to _get out_ was a little beyond her fearlessness as their medic. It never occurred to him that there was perhaps a _reason_ behind keeping him within earshot distance.

The leader was desperately trying to keep his eyes off of Kayn, who seemed to have developed some kind of cranky mood that the older male was _sure_ came from his hapless attempts at petting him earlier in a desperate bid to show that he cared. Now, sitting there with his fists balled in his lap with those mismatched eyes glaring at Tulu, he was sure that his apprentice had devolved into the same huff-and-puff that overcame him when he went for medical exams as a kid… always so eager to escape. Surely it was that and _not_ the fact that his master’s hands had been upon him. It had to be.

Zed’s anxiety was like light to a black-out curtain, always kept so snugly within that his outwardly neutral facade was very much his way of dealing with how terribly he trembled within, how often he doubted himself both as a leader or person-- but to others it could be read as disinterest at best. If he could, if his body would allow it, he would let the most minor of emotion shine within the depths of his eyes--

“You have a chest infection thats developed into a fever. You quite literally could have died.”

_... Could have died._

“But I _didn’t_. Please, _please_ lemme’ sleep.”

The former kinkou member was broken out of his usual darkish thoughts by the pitched whining of Kayn as he struggled against Tulu’s will-- ah, the young mans sour mood stemmed from being woken up over and over again and not because of… everything else. 

No matter how hard Zed tried, he could not push that ‘everything else’ out of his mind, however. It had suddenly become a plague upon his thoughts. The stretching of his fingers towards the boy he had raised, the way he waved his own health away as if to protect his master from the bitter and ugly truth that was his own negligence. The blanket bundled in the corner, damp from the fever. Thoughts came to him of his student bundled up in his room, desperately trying to weather the storm of sickness _alone._

_If no-one had checked on him, then…_  


Something stirred within his chest, something that nagged at his bones in a manner that didn’t disappear when he raised his nails to claw at his flesh beneath the tunic in a casual attempt to make it look like he wasn’t rattling within. It was a sickness that he could not suppress, the kind that bubbled up and tinged everything inside with a sharpness that almost physically _hurt._

He had never cared before, not to this extent. 

Zed was a man that wielded people's lives as weapons. 

The two arguing faded into the background as his heart began to sink into a dark place before the man could stop it slipping through his fingers-- a bad master? A bad role model-- that, he _knew_ , depending on what ones definition of ‘bad’ was. But never before had he felt so threatened by an _unseen gaze_ , the idea that other people could stare down at him and let the word ‘abuse’ fall from their mouths, he, the man who almost let his pupil die just because _he_ failed to notice. 

It was because it was _him._

Kayn was different. Special.

He had _raised_ him.

And yet… that child’s gaze had been so _cold_ when he had seen his hands upon him--

Zed suddenly cleared his throat _loudly._

“What must be done? I will see that he does it; but I would like the chance to speak to him… alone.”

He peered at the two that were staring at his sudden intrusion with round eyes, neither knowing exactly what that _meant_ in specifics. That sort of request was rare, and neither really wanted to trifle with or contend the order, not when the mask had cracked ever so _thinly_ to reveal some kind of emotion on the masters face, one that could not be easily read. It was almost… frightening. He would never read fear upon Kayn’s face, but Tulu seemed to immediately pick up that something was wrong, as if the atmosphere had flipped itself upside down. Carefully, she spoke; 

“... All right. He has already had painkillers but chewing the heswarn leaves will help draw out the wetness. I will return at sundown.” Her ferociousness had been robbed by the masters oddness, brows lifted high upon her face. 

“As you wish.”

Zed gave the slightest of bows and she curtsied with practiced ease, mouth in a straight line as she cast a gaze back to the two, just about seen through a closing crack in the door.

And the moment it shut, Kayn’s expression shifted from bamboozled instantaneously to flat, tiredness etched into the lines of his face-- but the male was now too curious to sleep, even though his body was screaming out for rest.

_He knows._

Zed readied himself for the storm that was about to come with a single pat of his thigh and a short huff.

They were alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poor boy. let him sleep omg.  
> hes just a baby boy after all.
> 
> kayn doesnt forgive zed so easily, but hes happy its a step in a good direction.   
> enjoy!   
> thank you to everyone who gave me kudos, it means a lot!

“So…”

It had been silent for the longest time. His apprentice was pressed so hard against the cushions keeping him raised that the man almost threatened to disappear within their silk tresses, far enough until he was but a set of glaring eyes peering from the darkness. To any other, they would see such an expression on Kayn’s face and dismiss it as the usual affair; something had ruined his day, his weapon had said something foul, a mission had gone awry… but it was _not_ ever seen in the presence of Zed. The other acolytes found the younger assassin marginally more bearable when he was under his masters heel.

But not now.

“You were falling asleep before. You are falling asleep _now._ ”

“... _You_... were the one who r-r--” A wince and a cough, “... requested this conversation, master.”

Ah, right he was. There was no doubt in his mind that the moment he gave the young male a moment to settle in silence alone that he would be out like a light, but possibly not while he was in the room. Through that deathly rattle of his breath the scythe wielder was biting out words that, although thick with sleepiness, were ever so finely tinged with something… more.

Zed was losing a battle with his own patience.

“I just wanted to talk about before.” A cool tossing of his head to the side, outwardly chilly. “I petted your head. I apologize if I caused any offence, or crossed any boundaries.”

There was something brewing in Kayn’s eyes that he knew was a storm that was at war with his sense of respect for him, something that bit at the fences like a dog wanting freedom, something confined by an unwillingness to show such terrible emotion to his master. Those hands that had been at the edges of the blanket were now grasping it, not tight enough to whiten the knuckles but hard enough to display discontentment. With a few puffs of breath, the sick male froze, began to hack up his lungs and threw the awkward nature of the silence between them onto its head and back again as Zed outwardly _winced_ \-- there was blood. It speckled the others mouth as he stubbornly swallowed the muck down, rubbing his face upon the blanket that sheltered him so.

The leader wished ever so deeply to turn back time. He could make it so that his stubbornness wasn’t so strong and wouldn’t lead his down this route. His student could actually attempt to recover and not spend his time fighting the sandman and the vile illness alike, but Zed knew if he tried to turn back now it would brew the beginnings of poison in Kayn’s veins. It would either never be spoken of again, birthing resentment, or it would be howled at him during the thick of some battle (which is where the scythe wielder liked to shout about his problems the most).

That voice cuts through the ninja’s thoughts,

“Master… am I allowed to… speak freely?”

“...Yes.”

“How ‘come I have to get sick... for you to outwardly show that you care?”

_Oh. So… blunt._

The leader of the Shadow order felt that like a lance to the heart. Immediately thoughts of Shen and he sitting on a bed in some far-flung inn hunting for Jhin arose, times where Shen had tried to make him laugh. Eventually he stopped trying. They had stopped their boyish playing, they had stopped their idiotic poking, their shoulder hugs, their _full_ hugs when the times had seemed like they’d never get better; everything had burned to ash and no matter how much they yearned to reach out… they could not.

By the time he found Kayn, Zed was almost incapable of babying even a child. He was treated like an adult even from the age of ten, expected to behave like them all, never given the comfort of a true parent or the knowledge of what it was like to _live_ as something else other than a child soldier and _now_ it felt so easy to dismiss Kayn’s feelings. To turn his head every time a flicker of want was in the others eyes, to walk past his door knowing he had run himself into the woods to cry or to let out his anger upon anything that dared to cross his path.

But what _good_ were emotions to a ninja?! Did they not tamper with the hunt, did personal matters not steer people from their duties? Did feeling _anything_ ever help a weapon be a weapon? No, they were metal and wood and stone, and so too should the assassin _be_ metal and wood and stone. Long ago, a younger Zed would have narrowed his eyes and huffed at the idea that he should not _feel_ , for he felt so _much._ Love, companionship, heartbreak.

Kayn had none of those things.

“.... No matter. Forgive me, ma--”

“Do not take my silence as dismissal.” The white haired male spoke sharply before his student could dismiss himself (emotionally) from the prospect of Zed having any kind of answer for him. It took _time._ It took time for his brain to wrap itself around the idea that he had _deprived_ someone of everything _he_ had lost. It was not Kayn’s fault. It was _never_ Kayn’s fault.

He moved ever so slowly, reaching out to pat the bed with his hands-- simply making sure that his apprentices legs weren’t going to be sat on-- and there upon the space he had once rested upon he rested again, looking away from the quizzical youngster to his side. Zed listened to the way that wetness had began to gather in the others breath again, the precursor to heavy coughing, and tried to _burn_ every ounce of emotion he had into every word that fell from his lips.

“... I am sorry. I simply think… that I’ve become so cold towards life that I no longer remember how to be a good person. I have not been good enough. Not to you.”

“Master, don’--” Kayn’s objection had been so tenacious that the instant he barks out his words the cough swoops in and leaves him so breathless that for a few noisy moments he is reduced to simply existing within the room. Every time it happened Zed’s eyes would flicker to the door and back as if he wanted to drag Tulu back to be posted at the others bed-side twenty-four-seven.

“Hnn…” A whine of sorts that was more akin to air simply escaping him, the scythe wielders eyes slipping shut ever so briefly. “Do not… blame yourself for anything, master. You saved my life. You... gave me purpose.”

“But I never showed you love.”

It was worse now, Zed thinks. It is worse because he could not stop himself from speaking those words, they had tumbled forth without his permission, and now they could not be taken back. It was an admittance of that neglect. Though his own disposition was uncontrollable, he never tried. Never gave the other more than an inch, and was now faced with the undeniable fact that his ‘weapon’ was far more complex than the others. It was their bond that made them complex in the first place, after all.

Kayn looked as if he was trying his best not to simply wither and die upon the spot, eyes still closed and flushed skin now beaded with new sweat that glimmered in the sun. The master could tell he was thinking; lines were appearing between his brow in a methodic manner with his teeth pressed together in a way that squared his thin jaw. The ninja’s apprentice was no longer a child but embodied a youthful wildness that usually got him what he wanted, but this subject could not be approached without tact. They both knew that.

But now Kayn appeared to be getting frustrated.

“Just a touch, I think, is o…. kay.” Spaced between a deep breath, his inhale briefly failing him.

“... A touch?”

“Yeah. Like before.”

“Before?”

“I liked the… petting.”

Zed had to struggle not to allow a single eyebrow to raise dramatically, as if to question the other immediately-- was it not _he_ that had glared at him but moments after? If he liked it, why was it responded to with such unspoken animosity? The leaders gaze thinned in a manner that made Kayn press himself against the bed in almost a flinch-- oh, the white haired ninja didn’t like that response… at _all._

“Be still, Kayn. I’m not going to punish you--”

“For having feelings. Except you say feelings are weak. They get in the way.”

 _He cut me off mid sentence?_ Interesting. Zed wanted to draw more of this ire out, wanted to see what rebelliousness had laid waiting within his student all this time, waiting for a moment to explode out… that storm was brewing in the others gaze again. It was time to press the attack.

“... I have been known to say that.” He purposefully made it sound as casual and nonchalant as he could to rile the other. It worked.

“So, so am I supposed to be like you?” The pitch of the others voice rose, “Am I to apologize every time I feel something, every time I just want to _touch_ someone?”

“I apologized because--”

“Because you thought I was angry... I am _angry_ because you do not touch me _more,_ not because you touched me in the first place!” The reddening of the younger males face came with a youthful outburst that was long overdue, possibly retained from his even younger years and locked up within him, awaiting the perfect moment.

“I… I can’t help how I am.”

“But what about _me--_ ”

A hand had met Kayn at his breastbone, effortlessly and gently pushing him back down against the bed, as in his frustration he had sat up straight-- and was now coughing again. A shiver wracked through his body as he twisted himself onto his side to choke against the pillow, taking a few long moments to still himself, hair splayed this way and that against the mess of soft fabrics he was laying upon.

As biting as those words had been, they had a truth to them that could not be ignored.

What about… _him?_

Zed took this moment to say, with great difficulty despite how much he _felt_ it,

“I… worry about you.”

That worry was felt in every inch of his being every time he saw Kayn off upon another mission. Every time he saw the corruption of his body progress, every time he saw the other man alone in a field of chattering acolytes at rest time. It was like a haze that constricted his being at the core, making him restless and agitated and a plethora of other emotions that never got past his mask, but it was _real_ , it was as real as the urge to once again reach out to the ailed man before him… with fingers outspread once again…

This time, he did not care about consciousness or being caught. Kayn was right. It was just a _touch._

The rough pads of his fingers grazed the tousled locks of the others hair to sweep it gently behind his ear, hoping to relieve his burning face of the annoyance of other strands. Where wet skin had touched the feather filled pillows there were now smear marks and speckles and the remnants of blood, the winters coldness making them ever so slow to dry. Kayn was tense beneath his fingers, the audible shifting of his throat marking the beginning of a sentence that was destroyed by a nasally wheezing the moment he tried to conjure up the vigor he had just growled with.

“You… do?” Came the rough pant; the expression half masked by the fabrics was guilty, perhaps due to his former biting tone he had taken with his elder. Zed did not particularly feel fazed by the former outburst. It was better out in the open than it was locked within-- however… it was _his_ turn to speak with grit in his tone… for the words themselves--

“Of _course_ I do.” The challenging of his affections was warranted, but somehow it still hurt to hear the remnants of awe in the others tone. “I care about all of you… I am simply weathered by the things that have transpired in my life. This is not an excuse, but an explanation. I assure you Kayn, if I could be a softer person… I would be.”

“I… _apologize_ … for sounding so demanding, then.” The long haired ninja had lost his battle with his own willingness to let his emotions rush forth and had now become quiet again, shameful even, flip-flopping between willing to meet his master head on with his claws outstretched to curling in a corner in acceptance. The leader gave the softest of sighs.

“It is not demanding for the rivers to ask for rain, just as it is not demanding for the grazing beasts to ask for grass. It is simply nature. You asked nothing of me so I gave you nothing… but I should have been there for you regardless.”

Zed didn’t need nor want an answer to that for he wished now for his body to speak over its words. Those strong fingers slid between the pretty, silky locks of his apprentice in an intimate stroking that saw the bed ridden of the two pause for a shorter time now... before easing into the touch. That pleased him greatly.

And for the longest time they both said no words what-so-ever, Zed finding every second that passed far easier than the last, the foreign contact turning from something stiffly done to an action that had a sort of naturalness to it. His hands had not forgotten the times he had spent with Shen and the affection they shared, and his mind had not forgotten what pleasure befell it at the idea of simply bringing… peace to another. So often the ninjas were all blades and flashing fangs that they forgot that, deep down, they were still human.

It was human to crave physical affection, it was human to seek out those closest to you for contact every once in a while, if only to know that they were really _there_. This boy he had kept at arms length, this child that had grown in his icy company was part darkin, but his heart and mind and soul were still of this natural world. The white haired leader, noticing that Kayn had fallen asleep under his gentle petting, managed to conjure up the smallest of smiles.

“Kayn? Kayn.”

“...”

“Wake up.”

He took great displeasure in seeing the other trying to gain lucidity as the youngers chest rose and fell faster, body twitching weakly as he gave himself the smallest stretch with a wide-mouthed yawn. Still… the small smile remained upon Zed’s lips, perhaps a touch sympathetic as he ceased his hair-tussling to shake the other gently by the shoulder.

“.... Nnn… I…?”

“Tulu gave us instructions.”

It took a little time for the sick one to fully ‘wake up’, but when he did, annoyance was present. The angry expression that crossed Kayn’s face was childish and barely tangible as he began to huff and puff with the grip of sleep slipping away once again-- but that was before those watery eyes were finally able to focus on Zed’s face.

He was smiling.

Renewed by the emotion and terribly aware that he had fallen asleep under the others touch, all hostility melted away in favor for the slightest up-curling of his own lips.

“Y… yes, master.”

That night, though Tulu came and went, he sat himself down cross-legged by the bed and kept silent watch-- the punishment came from the enduring wheezing, coughing and whistling of the sick ones breath in his deep slumber, a solemn reminder that never again would it get that bad. The echoes of that noise would be captured and locked away in his mind forever, to be played whenever the icy walls of his heart felt too strong to break… they would be his weapon against that coldness.

Things would be different from then on.

* * *

Shieda Kayn felt _awful._

When he awoke it was far too hot outwardly but ever so _cold_ inwardly, the world felt like it was trying to attack him from every front and the light shafts of sunlight through the bamboo slatted windows felt ever so unbearable. Rubbing his cheek upon the now nasty pillow that was keeping him propped up, the fabric wet with mucus and drool and snot, he sat himself up with a quiet groan as a violent shiver overtook him.

Then he froze.

Master Zed was… there.

Kayn felt himself shrink just a little with the bubblings of a cough beginning in his chest, eyes going as round as saucer plates-- had he been there all night?! He did his best to hold his breath for a moment so that he could listen to the slow, even breathing of his leader with pressure building behind his ribs, and when he finally breathed out the scythe wielder was thrown into a hectic, abrasive cough that was muffled by the bed-covers to his mouth. He wasn’t awake… the master had fallen asleep at his bed-side!

Even though Kayn felt like he was drowning in his own chest fluid, his nature was far too silly sometimes to pass up whatever the Gods out there were offering. A simple roll, the annoying squeaking of the bed and a parting of his bangs later the man saw his target and went, with much gusto, about reaching out… the pads of his fingers grazed the soft white locks of his leader ever so gently before his hand retracted as quickly as Zed’s once had towards his own.

Shieda rolled back onto his back with a splutter of strange excitement and closed his eyes, beaming feverishly at absolutely no-one in particular. He knew soon enough he would have leaves stuffed down his throat and a thousand gallons of strange liquid to drink (that was disguised as water), but he was not dead and he was not alone.

Zed was there.

Sometimes, just a touch was okay.


End file.
